Tales of a Roach
by Gazlover12-Canada
Summary: Read about random one shots of the 141 men and their stupidity. Review? Warning, contains some adult humor stuff...:p NOT SLASH!
1. Mactavish's discovery

Roach sat on his bunk in content, lost in his thoughts. This was a rare thing to occur though, because he shared a room with Ozone and Meat. It wasn't exactly a bad thing, it was just the fact that those two never, ever shut up. Weather it was about which female celebrity was hotter, or who cleaned their guns better, it was always something.

Today though, the men were quiet, for some strange reason that Roach did not know. Ozone and Meat both sat on Meat's bed, murmuring quietly every now and then. They seemed to be looking at something that Ozone held. For a quick second, Roach considered asking what it was, but he stopped, remembering that normally they were never this quiet.

After a few more minutes, Roach was half asleep, resting his head on the lumpy pillow his bed contained. All in the sudden, he was startled out of his thoughts by something that was slammed down hard onto his stomach.

"Get up you lazy ass cockroach!" Meat hollered.

"Uggh, Meat, what the hell?" Roach asked, before noticing the the thing that was on his stomach. It was a magazine. Not just any magazine, a nudy magazine...

"What...the...fuck?" Roach slowly asked. Ozone and Meat both grinned silently. Just then, the door burst open. Lt. Simon 'Ghost' Riley stood there, looking happy, even underneath his balaclava.

"It's not normally so quiet in here. Mactavish got worried that you all died and sent me to.."

Ghost didn't finish his sentence, seeing Roach with the porn. Roach had forgotten that he was holding it, and rushed quick into an explanation.

"Wait sir! I swear it's not what you think! Meat and Ozone were-"

"So, your smuggling porn and not sharing with your superior officers eh?" Ghost asked, smirking.

"No sir! It was all Meat and-"

"Get your ass out to the obstacle courses, and hand over the nudy mag! Your doubling your training today!" Ghost said. Those who knew Ghost well, knew not to ever protest against his orders. Roach got up quickly, barely stopping to glare at his room mates as he ran past them.

A few hours later, Captain John 'Soap' Mactavish was looking for Ghost. He was in the cafeteria, looking under the lunch tables when he ran into Archer.

"Archer laddie, I'm so glad to see you! Have you seen Ghost?" The flustered Captain asked, a bit embarrassed at being caught looking under cafeteria tables. Then again, there WAS a good possibility that Ghost could have been under a table, considering that incident last week...

"Um, I think I saw him outside sir, near the obstacle courses" The soldier said, raising his right eyebrow slightly.

Mactavish thanked him and quickly ran to were Archer said Ghost was. Sure enough, Ghost was sitting in a chair near the course, reading a magazine.

"Ghost, what are you doing?" He asked, coming closer. He stopped short when he was close enough to see things clearly. Roach was breathing heavily, sweat pouring down his face and back. The young man was sluggishly running the hardest obstacle course.

Ghost on the other hand, was reading...a porn mag? The Lt.'s expression was hard to come across, seeing that he wore the skull balaclava.

"Ghost, what is the meaning of this?" Mactavish asked, guestering over to Roach, who had collapsed on course, and the nudy mag, that Ghost was still holding. It had opened to a picture of a very blatant young woman, wearing only a bikini.

"Oh nothing sir. Just teaching Roach here a lesson. You never, ever hide porn from your superior officer" Ghost said lightly, as if it was not a big deal.

Mactavish stared at Ghost for a few more seconds, before shrugging and heading back inside, muttering something about eating some microwaved, French onion soup...

**Hey everyone, you all don't know how good it feels to be submitting something! I would be working on Trouble with the SAS, but you see, I am very sick today with the stomach flu, and I am to stay in bed. Trouble with the SAS is on the computer upstairs, I'm just using my brother's laptop to make this story. So, did you like it, hate it? I may add more chapters of just random things today. Ugghh, I hate puking. I've puked like, 4 times! Review to make my tummy feel better? :) Thank you everyone!**

**Ps, I don't wanna stay in bed! But sick is sick, right? I would much rather be in school :(**

**Peace out!**

**-Gazlover12  
**


	2. Story time with Soap

Ghost laid down on his bed, exhausted from a day's hard work. He had been filling out paper work, doing some hand to hand combat with Roach, and won of course. And then besides that, Mactavish made HIM clean the mess hall. Why? Because he called the Captain old. Dammit, if there was any insult Mactavish hated, it was being called old.

"If you think I'm old, you should of seen my old Captain, John Price" Ghost mimicked the Captain's voice perfectly to Roach, who was sitting in the corner of the room, nodding intently.

"Well, he really isn't that old" Roach said, but stopped short when Ghost gave a small growl, looking in his direction. Ghost did look really intimidating in that balaclava...

"Are you questioning my reasoning?" The Lt. Slowly asked, smirking under the skull mask. He loved making Roach scared. The young Sgt. was still uneasy about the events that had occurred earlier. It had involved Ozone, Meat, and a magazine. Needless to say, Roach was very wary of Ghost now.

"N-No sir. Your completely right, the Captain was wrong" Roach answered quickly. Just then, there was a knock on the door.

"Ghost, you in here?" The voice of John Mactavish rang.

"Oh great, speak of the authority director..." Ghost grumbled, hitting his head against a pillow.

"Come on in Captain sir!" Roach said excitedly. For some odd reason (To Ghost), Roach looked up to the Captain.

"Now now Ghost, I know your angry..." Mactavish said, coming in and closing the door behind him, "But you really hurt old Tavish's feelings" He finished, grinning. Roach chuckled, Whilst Ghost rolled his eyes.

"If you _don't_ mind sir, I'm trying to rest. Not many people have to clear over 50 plates in just one day" He snapped.

"Don't get upset Ghost, I have a story to tell you two" The Captain said, grinning.

"A story? What about?" Roach asked. Ghost snorted at the Sgt.'s curiosity.

"About an event that occurred when I was only a sergeant myself, in Captain Price's squad"

That did spark a mild interest in Ghost. It was sometimes hard to think of Mactavish as an actual sergeant!

"Okay, it all started only a day after I was part of the SAS..." Mactavish went into his story.

_Soap Mactavish sighed, leaning heavily against the seat of the helicopter. Beside him was his team mate, and pretty much friend, Gaz. The Lt. was staring off into space, a smile on his face. 'Creepy', Soap thought. Then across form them was Captain Price. Soap definitely knew the captain had a rough edge. After all, the first time he even personally met the man, he had insulted his named._

_"What the hell kind of a name is 'Soap' eh? How'd a muppet like you pass selection?", Was what Price had said. Price sort of reminded Soap of his uncle, Robby Jones...whom had died only a few years ago..._

_"I am SO BORED!" Gaz's voice startled the young Sgt. out of his thoughts._

_"Want to play cards with me mate?" Price asked. Cards? That might be fun! Soap looked hopefully at the Captain, but Price completely ignored him._

_"Soap, get the cards out for me and Gaz" Price sharply ordered. Soap suppressed a sigh, getting the stack of brand new cards, and handing them to his Captain. Maybe, just maybe, if he did what his Captain said, as silly as the orders were, he would get notices and complemented more._

_"Sir, the cards arn't even shuffled! How are we going to play?" Gaz whined. Price stroked his mustache, deep in thought..._

_"Soap, are you daft? How could you give Gaz and I a brand new deck of cards and not shuffle them?" Price barked loudly. Soap jumped in fear at first, before realizing how rediculus this was._

_"Well soo-rryyyy your too lazy to do it" Soap muttered. Apparently, Price had good hearing._

_"Complaining are we? Your pathetic" Price said, turning to Gaz to begin their game of cards. Soap had other ideas._

_"Oh yeah? Well your OLD!" He half shouted. Right after he said it, he knew he was in deep shit. Price was a man you never, EVER insulted. UNless you wanted death, that is._

_Price slowly turned to look at him, with the hardest look in history. 'If looks could kill...', Soap thought, cringing. Gaz grinned playfully._

_"Oooooh, you just insulted the Captain!" He said, noticing how deathly pale Soap looked right now. Price got up from his helicopter seat, grabbing Soap by the coller of his shirt._

_"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR CALLING OLD? YOUR DEAD SOAP!" Price screamed with rage, yanking Soap out of his seat. Soap screamed like a little girl as Price shoved his face out of the slightly open helicopter door._

_Price and Gaz both laughed gleefully well Soap begged for his life, half handing out of the chopper. Finally, Price dragged Soap back in. Soap was shaking, breathing heavily. From that day on, he did everything his captain said, and never, ever complained._

"So you see, I even got punished for calling my Captain old. Though he was really old" Soap said, laughing slightly.

"Wow, your Captain sounds menacing. I'd hate to meet him someday" Ghost said, sitting up more.

"Well, the man really does grow on you. I would still be in contact with him now if..." Soap trailed off, his face turning hard.

"If he dead?" Roach asked quietly.

"I dunno Roach, I don't know..."

**Hey everyone, my second update in one day...YAY! I'm feeling a bit better, so I even got to eat supper. Mashed potatoes and chicken...yum! So, how was this chapter? Hopefully a little better than the last one. That's what I plan to do, the more reviews, and the more I submit, the better job I'll do. I want to thank my first two reviewers:**

**shadowsghosts: Thank you, I loved your review! I hope you like this chapter as much as the first :)**

**Epsilon Team Captain Hande: Ahaha I know, I felt bad for him while I was typing it ;) thanks for the review.**

**Thats all for now. I may update more later. Review pleaseeeee! Byeee!  
**


	3. Dreams, Sausages, and Balaclavas!

Everyone on base was sound asleep, each person in their own little dream worlds. Except for one. Roach rolled over in bed, trapped in his dream...

_Roach slowly walked down the dark, empty halls of the base. He was looking for the kitchen to eat some microwaved yam. Halfway there, he saw the back of Ghost's form, sitting at a table surrounded by candles._

_'Wait a minute, when did we have a table in the middle of the hallway?' He thought. Something wasn't right here. Anyway, he slowly walked towards his Lt. until he was finally standing directly behind him. Ghost still hadn't heard him, or moved. How unusual._

_"Um...Ghost? You okay buddy?" He asked, almost whispering. Ghost calmly turned in his direction. At the sight of his face, Roach gave a piercing scream or horror._

_Ghost was not wearing his balaclava. His face was...A FEMALE'S FACE! He had long hair, and thick eyelashes! But he (Or was it a she in the dream?) was fuck ugly!_

_"What's the matter Roach, afraid of a littler hair?" The Lt. asked. Wait a second, it wasn't even Ghost's voice! Mactavish's voice came out of Ghost's female mouth! _

_"NOOOOO!" Roach screamed._

Roach jolted awake in bed, almost falling to the floor. After a few seconds of remembering his dream, he gave out a strangled cry, jumping up to his feet. He looked around wildly. Ozone and Meat were both asleep across from him, in their bunks. Meat was snoring loudly, and drooling too.

"G-Guys?" Roach whispered. They didn't respond.

"GUYS!" He said loudly. Still no respond...until Roach got another idea!

"Guys! We have to run, quick! Ghost found out about the hot pepper and he's coming here now!" He yelled. Instantly, Meat and Ozone scrambled up, falling to the floor.

"I was just kidding. You both have to help me though" Roach said.

"That was NOT funny! Besides, there's no way he could even find out about the hot pepper" Meat grumbled.

"Could we forget the hot pepper! I have bigger issues than spicy beverages!" Roach bellowed, falling to the floor in an overly dramatic manor.

"Well jeez man, calm down! What's the problem?" Ozone asked. And so Roach explained his dream in full detail.

"...That explains it" Meat said, only moments after Roach had told them his terrible dream.

"Explains what?" Roach asked.

"It explains why Ghost won't ever take off his mask, even in his sleep! He really must have the face of a woman!" Meat said excitedly.

"Whoa, WHOA! What a second Meat. It was just a dream, I think that's going a little too far!" Roach said quickly.

"Yeah, that makes perfect sense Meat!" Ozone said at the same time.

"Yeah! Let's go find out right now!" Meat said, starting to go out of the room.

"Wait, noooo! It was only a dream!" Roach tried to get them to stay, but instead, he tripped on a blanket, falling face first to the floor.

Meat and Ozone had almost made it to Ghost's bedroom door. When they got there, Roach was standing by the door, blocking it!

"What the- How did you get here so fast?" Ozone asked.

"None of your business. Anyway, I'm very sorry to both of you, but I cannot let you through this door" Roach said, puffing out his chest a bit. Meat and Ozone grinned at each other, before turning to Roach.

"Sorry Roach, but this is the only way" Ozone said. Than. both Meat and Ozone himself grabbed Roach, dragging him to a supply closet...

"No! Guys, let me go! Seriously!" Roach shouted. His room mates had tied him to an old rusty chair in the nearest closet.

"Sorry Roachy, but you were spoiling our plans. We have both decided that at 6:01, the exact time for breakfast, we will go up to Ghost and expose his true identity!" Meat said, cackling evilly. Then, he and Ozone left a struggling Roach in the closet.

Meanwhile, having no clue about what fiasco's were happening, Mactavish came inside from his morning run, which went from 3:00 am to 5:30 am. He was walking down the hall to go change, when he heard a distant screaming.

"Oh shit, I bet Royce burned his hand on that candle again...I better go help him" Mactavish muttered to himself, following the sound of screams.

Instead, to his surprise, the screaming was coming from a supply closet. And it sounded like Roach, not Royce. He opened the door quickly. Much to his shock, there was Roach, tied firmly to a chair.

"...You all right Roach?"

"No! At 6:01 Meat and Ozone are gonna pull Ghost mask off, right in the cafeteria in front of everyone!" Roach hurried to explain.

"Holy Fish Muffins, we have to stop them! That's only in five minutes!" Mactavish said, scurrying to untie the sergeant.

Meanwhile, Ghost was at the buffet table in the cafeteria. He was a bit disgruntled because they had run out of mini sausages.

'Oh well, I'll just have to make due with large ones' He thought, reaching for six of them. After getting a glass of strawberry milk, he proceeded to sit down at his own empty table, just like usual. A few other men were eating in the room as well.

Ghost then notices Meat and Ozone, standing in the shadows, near a wall. They were only ten feet away from Ghost, and kept giving him creepy smiles.

'How strange...they must have had one too many energy drinks..' He thought to himself, before pulling up his Balaclava only far enough to not cover his mouth so he could eat.

"C'mon, were almost there!" Mactavish shouted to Roach, as they both sped down the halls of the base. It was only two minutes till the time that Meat and Ozone were going to pull off Ghost's mask.

Finally, they reached the entrance of the mess hall cafeteria. Only, it was too late...

Right when the clock changed to 6:01, Meat and Ozone walked out of the shadows, toward Ghost's table. Then, everything was in slow motion.

"Nooooooo!" Roach yelled.

Meat and Ozone both stopped right in front of Ghost. The Lt looked up at them, just was Meat grabbed hold of the balaclava, ripping it from the Lt's head. Under the mask revealed...

"Your face is normal...?" Ozone asked.

"Only scars? Not...female?" Meat muttered.

They bother received a blank stare from Ghost. After a few seconds, he slowly reached out and grabbed his balaclava out of Meat's grasp, fitting it back on his head.

"...The fuck? What the hells wrong with you too?" Mactavish asked Meat and Ozone, running up to the table with Roach right behind him.

"Everything's wrong with them" Roach said.

"We-It was-I swear we didn't mean it! It was all Roach's fault, because he had the stupid dream!" Meat said, with Ozone nodding alongside him.

"Get to the obstacle courses...NOW!" Ghost yelled. Both men screamed and ran for their lives. Ghost grinned at his Captain and Roach.

"Mactavish, don't expect them to be fit to work tomorrow, there gonna be taught a lesson, ten times worse than what happened to Roach a week ago" Ghost said, before leaving.

"So he's not mad?" Roach asked Mactavish.

"Sure he's mad, but he'll get over it quickly" The Scot answered.

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"The whole cafeteria is staring..."

"Oh...want to go get some sausage? Mactavish asked.

"Yeah..."

**Sorry for any mistakes and spelling errors :) My heads been funny today...**

**Hey everyone! How was this chapter? I tried my best to make it funny. I am super, super happy with all the reviews I got for chapter 2! Right now, my stomach's feeling much better. My head feels funny though, kinda light and a little dizzy. I guess I'll just wait for it to pass. But today I don't have to worry about missing school, cause it's a snow day! yaay! Well, not yay because I can't go outside to play :( Anyways, I'll respond to my chapter 2 reviewers now:  
**

**xStealthxSniperx: Hehehe thank you for your review, it make me happy! I hope you like this chapter!**

**Epsilon Team Captain Hande: Ahahah your right, Captain Price does look really old! I wonder what his actual age is? Thanks for reviewing :D**

**Shadowghosts: Lol I loved your review! It made me laugh! I hope you liked this chapter!**

**SuddenSummerStorm: I totally get what you saying, I'm not a slash person either :) I dunno, I just don't enjoy them all the time, though some are actually really good. I loved your review :D Thank youu!**

**I'm also going to respond to some other reviews that I got for chapter 1:**

**SuddenSummerStorm: Thank you! I'm really glad you liked my chapter! Your review made me feel better :D**

**Aurora Lunar 0Love This0: Hahahah thanks for reviewing! Your right, I normally do hate school, but I'll do anything to get out of bed :D**

**Okay, that's all for now! Thank you everyone for reading this chapter, I'll update as soon as I can! I think I'll take a little nap though :) See you all later! Keep reviewing!  
**


	4. Don't mess with Ghost

Roach sat down in the middle of the floor. He often did this at sundown, though nobody knew why. Was he messed up in the head? Did he somehow feel that sitting low on the ground made him special? I guess only Roach knew why. Anyways, Roach's floor sitting time was interrupted by...can you guess? If you guessed Meat, then your right.

"Hi Roach! Whatcha doing?" He asked.

"Nothing Meat" Roach sighed.

"Then will you help me with an errand?" Meat asked, sitting down next to his friend. Roach raised an eyebrow.

"What kind of errand?" He asked, knowing what Meat's "errands" consisted of.

"Wellll, I wanna go bug Ghost" He said, pulling out a notepad. "And then I was thinking we could squeeze in some time to skrew up Mactavish's paper work, then we could maybe see about lunch"

"...You keep a schedule of things you do all day?" Roach asked.

"Why yes of course! How else can I remember things?" Meat told Roach, in a tone that suggested Roach was stupid.

"Well, why don't we just go see Ghost?" The Sgt suggested.

"Good idea!" Meat agreed.

Meanwhile, Ghost was sitting at a table in the mess hall, drinking cherry flavored Pepsi. He sighed in content, slowly licking the droplets that had overflowed to the side of the bottle. Right when he was about to take another sip, the bottle was snatched from his hands.

"Ha Ha! I stole your Pepsi, I stole your Pepsi!" Meat sang, holding the bottle out of Ghost's reach.

"G-give it back Meat! That's not funny!" Ghost yelled, trying to grab the bottle back. He would do anything for his cherry Pepsi.

"You know, I think I'm a bit thirsty" Meat said playfully, slowly bringing the bottle to his lips.

"Meat! If you don't give that back, your going to be sorry!" Ghost warned. Meat didn't reply, still bringing the bottle closer.

"I'm warning you!" Ghost said one last time. When Meat didn't listen, Ghost jumped out of his seat, tackling Meat to the ground. Sadly, this meant that the Pepsi fell to the floor, spilling all over it, and Roach as well.

"Ow! Stop Ghost! OW!" Meat screamed. Ghost kept punching Meat though, without a care in the world.

"Hey, break it up you two!" A new voice called. Roach looked over, seeing Mactavish come into the room. The Captain ran over to Ghost, pulling the Lt. off of Meat swiftly.

"I think it's time you and I went and had a little talk" Mactavish said sternly, looking at Ghost. Ghost knew that this was bad. Mactavish would most likely make him clean the mess hall or something. He had to get out of this fast.

"Meat stole my soda! I warned him that he should of given it back!" He protested.

"He was most likely just fooling around! You really had to do _that _to him?" The Scotsman asked, gesturing to the ground. Meat was still laying upon it, moaning in over dramatic agony.

"...Yup" Ghost replied.

"C'mon ya bugger. Your doing my paperwork for me tonight" Mactavish said, leading Ghost from the room. "And Roach? Take care of Meat, will you?" He added. Roach immediately bent down to the now silent man laying on the ground.

"R-Roachhhhh" Meat hoarsely whispered.

"Yes?"

"C-come clo-closeeerrr" The beat up man requested. Roach leaned in closer to his friend's face.

"What is it Meat?"

"I'm never, _ever_ going to take Ghost's soda from him again" Meat replied, jumping up from the floor and running out, muttering something about watching Tv.

"He never learns..." Roach sighed, turning around and going into the kitchen. He got a tuna salad sandwich, and sat down in the chair that Ghost had been in, smiling as he took a bite.

**Hey guys! Sorry this chapter is so short. I have good news! I'm feeling all better! Yaay! Now I can finally eat full meals and not have to worry about throwing them back up! Still, my brother Eric is being really mean to me, for no reason. He's mad at me for "Being Lazy" so he's not letting me use his laptop, that has all my fanfiction's on them. So my stories might be a little late. Oh yeah, I am also So glad that I posed the real chapter for Trouble with the SAS 12. Well, see you all later! I'll update soon! Review and I'll respond to them in the next chapter! Bye bye!**


	5. Something Important In Roach's Head

**A/n: Hey guys, I got in a typing mood, and decided so add another chapter. Life's been busy...and things have kinda been hard. Please cut me some slack on this chapter, it might have a few more mistakes than normal.**

Roach sat quietly at a table, staring blankly at his plate of pancakes. Next to him sat his buddies Meat, Ozone, Royce, and Archer.

"So then she comes up to me, and she's like, 'I believe that's only sold in Canada'. Isn't that crazy?" Meat finished some wild story about him and his high school days. Ozone and Archer snicker, while Royce bites into a pancake hungrily. Meat looked over to see Roach's reaction to his fabulous story. To his shock, his friend seemed to not have even heard his story!

"Roach. Roach!" Meat yelled. No response. Roach still sat staring blankly at his pancakes. Finally, Meat just resorted to taking his fork and stabbing it into the pancake in front of the Sgt.

"Gah!" Roach was startled back into reality.

"Finally! How does it feel to ignore your friends? Do you enjoy seeing others get hurt?" Meat asked, his eyes tearing up. Roach suppressed a long sigh.

"No Meat, it's just that-"

"Do you enjoy seeing me try to make the atmosphere happier?"

"No, I-you see-"

"And it must make you laugh to see others pain?"

"MEAT! Shut up! I just just thinking about something really important!" Roach explained

"Like what?" Archer asked excitedly, since they were all very bored.

"Well, like..." Roach started. His mind drew up blank. What _was_ happening today? Well, they had weapon's with Ghost in an hour...and they had...nothing. "I'm not really sure"

"That's weird. Cause now that you mention it, I feel like something important is today too" Royce stated. This caused everyone to panic.

"What if it's something bad? We didn't do anything evil to Ghost or the Captain, did we?" Ozone asked worriedly.

"No...Hey, that's it! Why don't we go see if Ghost thinks something important is going to happen!" Meat suggested. Everyone agreed, so they went over to the table to where Ghost sat, all ready halfway through his pancakes. For some odd reason, Captain Mactavish wasn't sitting next to the Lt. like usual.

"Hey Ghost, what's cracking?" Meat greeted his superior officer with a cheery salute. Ghost slowly looked up from his breakfast, glaring at the soldiers.

"What?" He asked impatiently, wanting to get back to his food.

"Um...how's it going?" Roach asked timidly, not wanting to piss off Ghost. Last time he did, his legs hurt for weeks from running laps.

Ghost sighed. "Listen you wankers. This is _pancake_ morning. Pancake morning is very rare. I would greatly appreciate it if I could eat my breakfast, IN PEACE!" He stated angrily. It was very clear that Ghost enjoyed pancake day.

"Um...so what's the schedule for today?" Ozone asked, trying to see if anything important was going to happen.

"...Are you idiots daft? I just told you you had weapons training with me in one hour, then the rest of the day was free time!" Ghost screamed. They all shrank back, until...Meat had another question.

"Sir, where's the Captain? He's normally an early riser..."

"He get's the privilege of sleeping in today! Well actually, he should be here any minute anyway" Ghost informed them. Only moments after he said that, John "Soap" Mactavish walked into the room.

"Hello mates, wonderful day isn't it? So sunny and bright...excited for weapons training this morning?" Soap asked brightly, in a cheerful tone.

"Oh, hi Captain. We were just chatting with Ghost. Well, see ya around!" Meat said, as they all went out of the cafeteria quickly.

"Okay, Ghost normally knows everything. If he isn't telling us something, then I bet nothings happening" Royce said, as they all sat gathered around their beds.

"Well I still got that feeling" Roach mumbled.

"And when Roach as a feeling, he's normally right!" Said Meat happily.

"Er...not always. Remember last November?" Archer pointed out. Everyone shuddered. We'll not go into detail of what happened then, but lets just say that it was a long and painful day at the 141 base...

"Hey, we should be getting to weapons training" Ozone said, glancing at the mickey mouse clock that Meat had brought from his house.

All the 141 soldiers stood in a line. Ghost came out, drinking a bottle of cherry Pepsi. He surveyed the men, trying to decide on who to torment that morning..

"Roach, front and center!" He barked. He smirked under his balaclava seeing Gary Sanderson nervously come to the front, a little too pale.

"What is this?" Ghost asked, gesturing to a gun he was holding.

"Er...an M4A1 Carbine..." Roach told him, a little confused. He always used that weapon...

"No shit Sherlock! Tell me mooore! Why is this weapon so awesome?" Ghost asked impatiently. Clearly he was annoyed with the young Sgt.

"Um well, it's an American assault rifle...and you can have a grenade launcher attached?" Roach said, in a tone that asked more than answered.

"Good enough...but still, you answered slowly! Run five laps around the track!" Ghost ordered.

"But I got it right!" Roach protested.

"Yeah...and?"

"Ugh, never mind!" Roach said, taking a deep breath before taking a jog. Ghost laughed at this sight, and saw Meat snickering too.

"What are you laughing at Muppet?" He snarled, getting all up in Meat's face. Meat instantly stopped laughing, sweating nervously, as he did not want to end up in Roach's position.

"Nah, I'm just messing with ya mate! Now let's all go shoot some targets so we can get on to the rest of the day" Ghost said cheerfully, patting Meat on the back.

And so fifteen minutes later, Roach came back to the target shooting arena, all tired and achy.

"Hey Roach, glad you could join us" Ghost greeted kindly, as if the whole incident earlier had never happened. That was when Mactavish came outside, a big smile on his face.

"Hello mates. What a beautiful day. So tell me, how was target practicing?" Mactavish asked.

"You don't wanna know" Roach grumbled. Mactavish's smile went down.

"Ah, I see. So, er...what are you all up to now?" The captain asked.

"Um...nothing much" Roach replied. "I have to get back to shooting" He added, before leaving.

"Guys, I still really feel like something's going to happen!" Roach whined from his spot at a table. It was lunch time, so once again Roach, Meat, Ozone, Royce, and Archer were sitting at a table. Today's lunch was Corn chowder, Corn muffins, and Corn on the cob.

"Gee, everything's so...corny" Archer said, looking at his plate.

"Hey, this foods not fake! Ha, I know what corny means! I'm smarter than you!" Meat sang.

"What I meant was, this lunch is kinda odd" Archer rephrased.

"Hahaha look, I can make my corn muffin dance!" Meat laughed, holding up the muffin and waving it back and fourth.

"MEAT! Don't play with your food or it'll be thirty laps for you!" Ghost screamed from his spot at the table with Captain Mactavish. Meat dropped his muffin right away, and went back to eating the chowder.

"Hey, that just gave me a good idea!" Roach said. He got up and went over to where his two superior officers sat.

"Hey, is it yellow food of the month?" He asked Ghost, siting down at their table.

"No...I don't think that even exists" Ghost replied.

"Then how come everything has to do with corn?" He asked, a bit confused.

"Because corn is Mactavish's favorite food duh!" Ghost said, taking a huge bite of his muffin.

"I didn't know Captain's were in charge of picking out dinner too.." Roach said.

"Well it _is _such a wonderful day isn't it?" Mactavish finally said, grinning at the Sgt.

"Yeah..plus Captain's normally aren't in charge of what to eat. It's just that-" Ghost started, but was cut off by Roach.

"Aw shit, Archer's stealing my muffin! Sorry, gotta go!" Roach said, quickly running back to his table. Mactavish's smile faded, and Ghost just shrugged.

**6 hours later...-**

It was just after dinner. Roach and his friends all sat in the lounge. Meat was reading a book (shockingly) and the rest of them were playing cards. Ghost then stormed into the room, and he looked furious, even behind his mask.

"You bastards!" he screamed, taking Meat's book and throwing it across the room.

"What, WHAT?" They all screamed, diving out of the way as Ghost kicked the card table over.

"How dare you! Is this some kind of sick joke? Because if it is, then it's not funny!" The Lt. growled angrily.

"What did we do?" Meat asked.

"What did you do? You forgot, that's what!" He answered, seething with bubbling anger...

"Forget what?" Roach wondered, thinking hard. Nothing was supposed to happen today.

"None of you wished the Captain Happy Birthday! Even when I put up a sign on the bulling-ton board! Now he thinks you all hate him! You didn't even stay after dinner for his Birthday cake!" Ghost yelled.

Oh shit. It had completely left Roach's mind. THAT was the important event that was happening today! That was why the Captain was in such a good mood. Poor Mactavish, he had come up to them numerous times, and not once did they tell him happy birthday...

"Oh no, we missed cake?" Meat asked, horrified. Royce smacked him on the head.

"C'mon, we gotta tell him Happy Birthday!" Archer said. They all dashed out to where the Captain sat, a party hat on his mo-hawked head, with an empty plate of cake in front of him.

"Happy Birthday Captain Mactavish!" They all screamed. Mactavish glared at them.

"You forgot didn't you" He asked dryly.

"No, of course not! See, we even got you a present!" Meat said, looking around for something to give the captain.

"Er...hold on one sec" Meat said, quickly running out of the room. It was a long and awkward silence. Finally, Meat ran back, holding an object wrapped in newspaper with a shoelace as a bow.

Mavtavish opened the gift quickly, and it revealed...a Mickey Mouse clock. Everyone was silent.

"I LOVE MICKEY!" Mactavish screamed, clutching the clock and running from the room. Everyone was silent before turning to Ghost, who was leaning against the wall.

"You did good mates" Was all he said, before turning around and heading for his room.

The End...until the next chapter.

Extra: Roach walked over to put on his boots, getting ready for a mission.

"Dammit, who took my shoe lace!"

**A/n: Soooo, how was that? I tried to put a lot of humor in like always, but I'm in a terrible stare. Okay, do any of you know the game Harvest Moon: A wonderful Life? Well I play, and I have this file that I've been working on for 3 years. It was ebaten, and perfect. Then, my little brother and couson (not sure which one) deleted it! THREE YEARS OS MY LIFE WASTED! So yeahh, hopefully things will get better. How about you cheer me up by reviewing? Huh? Wanna? Pleaaseeee? *gives puppy eyes**

**If you review, Mactavish will be VERY happy ;)  
**


	6. Don't throw forks!

**a/n: Sorry it's been awhile since I've updated, things have been busy. Okay so this chapter may not be as funny as my other chapters, but it's leading up to a real funny one okay? Please enjoy it anyhow.**

Gary "Roach" Sanderson sat in the mess hall with his three friends Meat, Ozone, and Royce. Pretty soon breakfast would be over, and they would have to train for five whole hours with Ghost as their supervisor.

"Hey Roach, mind if I eat that?" Ozone asked, pointing to an untouched hash brown on Roach's plate.

"Sure dude.." Roach sighed.

"Something the matter? You seem kinda down" Meat said, before catapulting his fork up in the air. It sailed across the room, landing on the floor near the table that their captain John Mactavish sat at, along with Ghost.

Roach never got to answer Meat's question, for before they knew it TWO forks came sailing back at them, one hitting Meat in the head, and other other landing in the middle of the table.

"Owww" Meat complained lightly, rubbing the back of his head.

Soon it was training time. Everyone was waiting for Ghost to appear, which was not normal, for usually Ghost was the first one to be there, ready to yell at them for tardiness.

"Sorry I'm late" Ghost finally said, walking into view. Something was different though. Today Ghost held a cup...full of forks!

"Uh, Sir? Why do you have those?" Roach asked curiously.

"Oh, no reason" Ghost answered, before taking out a fork and throwing it in Meat's direction. It hit Meat right in the stomach.

"Dammit that hurt!" Meat cried out, clutching his stomach this time.

"Well you should have thought about that when you were flinging forks around this morning" Ghost snapped.

"Oooh, so that's the reason your carrying them!" Roach realized out loud happily.

Ghost cleared his throat.

"Anyway...let's get a move on! Time to run a mile!" Ghost said cheerfully, jogging over to the path that the 141 ran on every morning.

Today was a bit different though. Normally Ghost would run in front of all the men, yelling about how slow they were. Today though, he ran in back, aiming forks at Meat and hitting him in the back with them numerous times.

"C'mon Roach, you can run faster than that! Don't tell me I have to throw forks at you too?" Ghost yelled.

"Sorry sir, it's just a hard day y'know?" Roach apologized, speeding up his running.

"Nothing bad's happened so far right?" Ozone asked Royce.

"I don't think so. Oh well, Roach always gets weird, we both know that" He answered.

Soon it was time for jumping jacks. Everyone did well on those...well...everyone except for Meat. Three whole times Ghost flung forks at him. Once in the head, another in the stomach. The last fork hit him right in the nose. It made Meat fall to the ground, clutching at his face. Before Meat could yell, or say anything, Captain Mactavish walked out.

"Oi, how's your morning warm up going?" He asked cheerfully, carrying two cups. One was filled with coffee, and the other with...

"Here's that cup of forks y'er requested Ghost. Just be careful, the cooks were getting mad" Mactavish thrust yet another cup of forks into the Lt's hand.

"Thank you sir!" Ghost said happily, "I was almost out of my other supply"

Mactavish watched with mild curiosity as Ghost flung another fork at Meat.

"Well, I've got paperwork to do. Try not to cripple Meat" The captain said as he departed from the rest of the 141.

"Will do captain...now everyone go to sit ups! Except you Roach, I need a word.." Ghost said, turning and walked a bit aways. Roach sighed, getting up and following his superior officer.

"So Roach...why the hell are you so..down?" Ghost asked.

"Oh _that._ You people wouldn't understand" Roach replied.

"Wouldn't under-...blast it Roach, I rank higher than you! I COMMAND you to tell me why your so down in the dumps!"

"B-Because...THIS WAS THE DAY MY PET PARROT CRACKERS DIED!" Roach screamed, before taking off full speed to only god knows where.

Ghost stood there a moment, before blinking, and then heading down to where the squad was working out still. Roach wasn't there.

"Sir, why did Roach run away screaming about some parrot?" Meat asked.

"Dunno mate. let's carry on" Ghost answered.

Meanwhile, Mactavish was sitting at his desk in piles of paperwork. That was before the door burst open, and Roach came running in. He sat down on the floor beside Mactavish's chair. All was silent for a few moments.

"Er...can I help you Roach?"

"No, no you can not!" Roach yelled back.

"Oh.."

Five minutes went by without any noise. Mactavish looked down to see Roach staring blankly at a wall...talking to himself silently.

"Can I interest you in some coffee Roach?" He asked.

"You know what? I think I'll accept that offer!"

And so the two men drank coffee in the mess hall until the others came in for lunch. They heard Ghost talking to Meat.

"Have you learned not to throw forks at people?" Ghost asked.

"Hell yes I have! I've never had this many bruises before!" Meat replied.

"Good then. Your free to go now...after you collect the 63 forks I've thrown at you"

Meat threw his head back, before screaming..."NOOOOO!"

**a/n: Coming up next, chapter 7: Meat's adventures while finding 63 forks. How much mayhem can one soldier possibly cause in one day?**

**Btw, I would love it if I got a few reviews from you guys. Plus, if you have any other idea's for further chapters, feel free to suggest them in a review. Bye for now!**


End file.
